I Don’t Have it all Figured Out…and That’s Okay

It’s eight p.m. on a Monday night and I’m sitting in front of the tv, watching The Bachelor. I’m both disgusted at the prospect of the show, and entirely intrigued by the potential love story unfolding before me.

It’s been a long day at work at my low paying entry level job I didn’t even need a college degree for. Why can’t I just find a job in my major that pays a decent wage and doesn’t require ten years experience for an entry level position? Why can’t life just be easier?

My life just feels confusing. I want to forget about the lack of direction my life has right now. To forget about everything and watch the most dramatic episode yet for the next two hours until it’s time for bed.

As I watch the drama unfold, it becomes clear these women have expectations for how this show will play out: they will get engaged to Peter Weber.

I think about my own expectations for my own life and how ridiculous they are. The love of my life was never going to love me back. Was I as delusional as these women who are so desperate for the time and attention of one man?

I think about my life and the expectations I have for the future. I find myself struggling to live up to my own expectations because I don’t even know what those are anymore. It’s like I’ve been completely derailed from the track I was once on. One minute I’m excited about pursuing this job, and the next I’m wishing I never did. One minute I’m looking forward to all the future holds, and the next I’m wondering if I’ll even have a future, or if I do…what good could it possibly have?

Maybe the track I was on, wasn’t what I thought. Or maybe the road will intersect, and I’ll end up on a new path. Maybe I already am. I just don’t see it yet.

I thought I had a plan. At the very least a solid outline, for how my life would go. Now I’m realizing I have absolutely no clue where my life is headed. I have no plan. I’m not even sure I have an outline anymore.

But as I watch this crazy show play out, I begin to realize something very important. No one on this show has a plan. No one in life does either.

The women in the house don’t know how this journey will end for them. They will either get sent home after traveling to some exotic location and professing their love for Peter…or they will end up being the last one standing at the final rose ceremony.

Or maybe none of that will happen. Maybe Peter will have second thoughts about Hannah Brown, and the story will take an entirely different journey no one saw coming.

I mean, isn’t that life? No one really knows how it’s going to end, or what twists and turns will be along the way, but somehow we make it through and it ends up being a story. Not every story is perfect, but there’s still beauty in the idea.

There will be ups and downs and for sure heartbreak, but in the end it will be worth it. Because in the end, I’ll finally see where I was going all along.

I don’t have it all figured out right now…and that’s okay.

One day, I’ll be working a different job, in a different place and maybe I’ll find true love, and maybe I’ll be living in the same state…or maybe I’ll be living a thousand miles away…I don’t know! And that idea is both terrifying and exciting.

All I know is that I don’t know and that’s enough for me right now.

Because as cliche as it is:

life isn’t about the destination…it’s about the journey.

life personal essay

Rachel Writes View All →

Hi! My name is Rachel. I love to write. Write about life, love, and reflect on how the past builds the future. Mostly, I love to tell stories because I believe there is something about stories that brings the world closer together. You can check out some of my writing reflections here at Rachel Writes.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: