I’m a chronic over-thinker. It’s like I have a constant stream of thoughts running through my mind at a million miles an hour.
This is a strength when it comes to my writing process.
In day to day life it just makes…well, life a little bit harder.
I’m a little bit crazy; a fact about myself I’ve learned to embrace because who likes normal anyway? I’ve gotten better at accepting my flaws. Accepting that real life isn’t like a “perfect” scene in a book or movie. I’m not going to say all the right things at all the right moments. I’m imperfectly me, and I’m okay with being myself.
My internal monologue is either sad or hilarious. Maybe a bit of both. But isn’t everyone’s life a little funny and a little sad?
Like when I want coffee, but don’t actually want to talk to anyone to get coffee (because anxiety peaks at the height of conversation), my internal monologue becomes a pep talk along the lines of:
“You can do it!”
and “Way to go you ordered for yourself like the adult you are!”
Or drafting a text message, (yes I said draft for a reason) because I tend to read through the same text multiple times looking for grammar and spelling errors before pressing send. My thought process may include me criticizing myself because it’s:
There not their!
And “Why abbreviate? It takes two seconds to type out the full sentence!”
And “How many different ways can I write this message and still get across the same point?”
The writer in me is a bit of a nuisance sometimes.
Don’t even get me started on when someone is interested in me because they think I’m funny or something. Full disclosure I can be a total idiot and typically don’t figure this out until it’s too late while thinking the whole time:
“Are they flirting with me?”
“Uh-oh I think they’re flirting with me.”
“I seriously hope they don’t expect me to flirt back.”
Yeah. I’m obviously a real catch.
And I can’t leave out when I hang out in large groups of people (honestly just people in general). Ha. There’s a fifty-fifty chance I’ll either totally nail the conversation or completely fail at human speech: overthinking everything I say, everything I should have said, and every step I take until nothing makes a whole lot of sense.
In case I haven’t made it clear: I’m very much an over- thinker.
That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s made me more self-aware, aware of other people’s feelings, and aware of the world around me. Overthinking has made me a better writer because I edit-edit-edit my work until there’s nothing left to overthink about. Well, okay, until I go back and realize there’s still more to change, add, or delete entirely, but that’s beside the point.
Sometimes overthinking can be exhausting and I have to tell my brain to shut-up to turn off my thoughts for a while.
When I write, I can edit the scene. Change the dialogue to flow smoothly. Everything is perfectly planned out and it just works. If it doesn’t, I can write it again so that it does. In real life, I can’t hit delete.
Which is a good thing. If I could edit my life, it would take me three times as long to get through a day because I’d be redoing a lot of moments most people wouldn’t think twice about.
We’re all just doing the best we can to live our lives in the best way we know how.
I may still be figuring out who I am, who God made me to be, but I do know this:
Who I am, is so much more than enough.
Not just because I am me, but because God made me, me. When I look to Him, I don’t have to overthink. Life becomes simple. All my little worries become less important.
I’ve learned to just give my worries, my overthinking everything, to God. He’s got it. Even when I don’t. Even when I can’t stop thinking. Even when I wonder why God created me to be such a thinker…I know that it’s okay. I’m here for a reason. I am who I am for a reason. And there’s nothing wrong with me. With being me.
And I know that in spite of the the million ways I could spin a scenario, write a sentence, or think-think-think I can just stop, be still, and let God take the lead.
Hi! My name is Rachel. I love to write. Write about life, love, and reflect on how the past builds the future. Mostly, I love to tell stories because I believe there is something about stories that brings the world closer together. You can check out some of my writing reflections here at Rachel Writes.