That Time I Broke My Own Heart

Have you ever had your heart broken, only to realize the person who really broke your heart…was you?

It’s different, when your heart is broken by someone. I mean, it’s not great, but at least there is someone to blame.

But, when I realized it was me who got my hopes up for something that in retrospect, could never have been…I had to figure out how to deal with that.

I went out on a limb for someone who had no idea I even cared. I tried to let him know, but he didn’t understand. I cried over someone who didn’t think I would cry for him. He didn’t realize how I felt, and I allowed myself to be heartbroken about it.

That’s the irony. He didn’t break my heart. My own expectations did.

Looking back, it’s kind of embarrassing. I was sad and confused and angry at someone who literally had no clue he had done anything wrong. Because he hadn’t, really. It was my fault for thinking it was possible that he could ever see me the way I did him. But, as hurtful as it was then, it’s pretty funny to think about now.

Maybe I had an idea of this guy that just wasn’t realistic. Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I had been crazy to think that attempting to get to know him would lead anywhere at all.

No matter the reason, it still broke my heart all the same.

Heartbreak is heartbreak.

So, what do you do when you break your own heart?

How do you let it go?

What I realized is that in order to let go, I had to truly let go. You know what I mean? There’s a difference between thinking, “Okay, I’m moving on” and actually “letting go.”

Thoughts don’t necessarily=actions.

You know that line in “Eat, Pray, Love?” when Elizabeth Gilbert writes; “Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it.” It’s not bad advice!

So I said a prayer, sent it out into the universe and moved on. I made peace with it. Sure, dropping it may not have made it hurt any less in that moment, but it got better over time.

Besides, there is hope in knowing that my heart sent a little good, through a prayer, out into the world.

It wasn’t about me and my heartbreak anymore.

And yes, I did the cliche things like listening to the saddest Taylor Swift songs about heartbreak, crying like I’d lost my mind, questioning my life choices, and wondering why I’d been so stupid to think I had a chance with someone who didn’t really see me for me.

But you know what, I realize now that I hadn’t been stupid. I mean, I had been, but not for the reasons I thought. I’m only human. I’m not the first person to fall for an idea that couldn’t meet reality. I won’t be the last.

Once I accepted there are some things that just aren’t meant to be, I knew that it would be okay.

That as embarrassing and hurtful as it was at the time, I didn’t have to spend the rest of my life being embarrassed and hurt.

So, then I looked up Taylor Swift songs about courage. About being strong and independent.

I learned my feelings are valid, even if they seem stupid. Feelings are feelings, but I don’t have to let them destroy me.

My self-worth is not determined by others. Or what I think others think of me. Or even what they do think of me.

The point is, I think I’m pretty awesome. And I don’t need anyone else to validate me.

Maybe I shouldn’t have let myself believe I had a chance. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken a chance on something unrealistic. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to say anything.

No matter how much the memory makes me cringe now, I’m glad I did.

Taking a chance on potential taught me my own strength. Made me realize my own worth. Showed me how brave I really am because it took guts to even try at all.

My heart may have been broken, but that doesn’t mean I have to be.

And I’m not.

Because the only one who can break me, is me.

And that’s a mistake I won’t make again.

self-reflection

Rachel Writes View All →

Hi! My name is Rachel. I love to write. Write about life, love, and reflect on how the past builds the future. Mostly, I love to tell stories because I believe there is something about stories that brings the world closer together. You can check out some of my writing reflections here at Rachel Writes.

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