I’ll be honest. I don’t know what I’m talking about. I mean, I think I do sometimes, but that’s the problem…there is still so much I don’t understand. About life. About love. About myself.
The other day I was driving around the backroads near my house, listening to music and enjoying the country scenery. After a while, I found myself lowering the volume and instead listening to the silence.
To stop and talk to God hoping I would hear something back.
I don’t know what I expected to hear as I drove past a field of cows grazing. Or what I expected to hear as I drove in circles on roads I’ve driven a hundred times before like a madwoman searching for purpose.
Is that what I am?
Wow I sound real fun.
Tears filled my eyes. Not tears of joy or sadness, but tears of confusion and frustration.
I’m trying to understand what God is doing in my life and what He wants for me.
I know. Isn’t everyone trying to find their purpose? We all want our lives to mean something. I’m not the first to want to understand God’s plan.
Don’t get me wrong…I am happy. I’ve got my circle of friends and family that I know care about me. I have a really good life and a great future in front of me.
But I’m also scared.
Scared that everything is meaningless.
Scared of being alone, but also scared to not be alone. If that makes sense.
Scared that I’ll be judged by others even though I tell myself I don’t care what anyone thinks…scared that deep down I do care what people think.
I’m scared of the future, but also want to know what it holds.
And while I know I’m not alone in feeling this way, it’s easy to forget when I’m stuck in my own thoughts.
I feel like I’m at a crossroad in my life when doors are starting to open that never have before. And I just want to know whether or not I should walk through them. Which doors will remain open and which will pull me back and close again?
But reality is, I get to the future by living. I can’t worry about tomorrow while still trying to live today.
So I have faith that God has a plan for my future. And I pray for wisdom to make the right choices now that will be built upon. That prepare me and help me live out God’s will for my life. Even through the confusion. Even when I don’t understand His will.
I know one day I’ll look back, and what’s uncertain now will be clear.
And I guess I’m leaving this open-ended and up to interpretation because maybe someone else out there can relate to this feeling. That feeling of not understanding now, but knowing one day…you will.
Having faith can be hard. I don’t understand what God is trying to do in my life, but I’m trying to have faith anyway. To trust that His plan is greater than mine. And it’s not easy. But that’s part of faith, right?
I know one day I’ll look back and see how God has moved in my life and be thankful for it. I know this, because I can look back now and see how He already has.
So while I’m scared of the future and wish I could know what it holds, I accept that I don’t know. I accept what is out of my control and put it in the hands of God.
I’ll keep walking. With faith. With hope. Yeah and maybe a few tears for no real reason because I’m melodramatic like that…but I’ll keep moving.
One step at a time.
Hi! My name is Rachel. I love to write. Write about life, love, and reflect on how the past builds the future. Mostly, I love to tell stories because I believe there is something about stories that brings the world closer together. You can check out some of my writing reflections here at Rachel Writes.