In stream of consciousness…
I’ll stand there, heart pounding in my chest and the room will begin to spin just a little bit, but not a lot. Just enough to know that something isn’t quite right while nothing is actually wrong.
I’ll feel my face getting flushed as I know I have to speak and my palms will get sweaty because I’m nervous, but I’m not, I’m really not, I don’t want to be, but I am.
I’ll ask myself, why am I afraid right now; I know these people? Or maybe I want to know these people. Maybe I don’t know because my heart is racing and I don’t want to be here, but I don’t want to go because if I leave then I’ll be alone with the quiet and my thoughts will spin and I’ll think of everything I said wrong. Then I’ll hate myself for being me, but then I’ll remind myself that I’m doing the best I can and love myself for being brave. Brave enough to be me.
And then I’ll wonder why I am the way that I am and I’ll stand with my heart pounding and the room will get hot and I’ll be nervous but I won’t really be nervous I’ll just be scared that I’ll look nervous and I’ll be thinking about that and life, while wondering why my heart has to pound so much? Why? Why? Why am I here? I should go.
But I won’t because I don’t want to leave. So I’ll try to be brave while praying for strength because I’ll want to talk, but at the same time be scared someone will say my name.
Hi! My name is Rachel. I love to write. Write about life, love, and reflect on how the past builds the future. Mostly, I love to tell stories because I believe there is something about stories that brings the world closer together. You can check out some of my writing reflections here at Rachel Writes.